Boundaries

A wonderful, seemingly overused buzzword, right? Well, boundaries ARE a real thing in the therapy world, and it is super important that you understand what this word means and how it works.

Part of the problem I’m seeing often is people misusing this word. Let’s talk about it.

Boundaries are for you - not to control other people. When we talk about setting a boundary for a situation, it’s not some magical spell that means the other person has to go along with what you say or they’re automatically toxic and evil. Thinking otherwise is just wishful thinking, or sometimes- attempted manipulation. Sorry, I have to call it like I see it.

For example, if I am having a difficult time interacting with my partner when we discuss a specific topic that is emotionally charged, I don’t get to say “I’m setting a boundary that you aren’t allowed to talk to me about this thing anymore!!!!” That just isn’t how things work? I have lots of options for boundaries here, depending on the specifics, but they’re all about my choices.

I could…respectfully request we do not discuss this topic (hopefully using your I -when statements) because it makes me feel xyz. Keeping in mind that they don’t have to honor that request just because I asked.

I could…say that I’m not in a good headspace to discuss it right now, but say I’m open to setting another time later.

I could….choose to leave the situation (or relationship) if I really feel I can’t have the conversation.

I could…spend some time to figure out what I need to stay calm while having this conversation.

I could….give a specific amount of time I’m willing/able to discuss the topic in one sitting, then ask to revisit later.

Remember, we can only control ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions…not other people.

Maybe in the scenario above the other person really wants or needs to discuss this topic. It’s important to them, and a relationship is a two-way street. Here’s the other thing…they don’t have to accept it. In any of those options above, someone could say….yeah, no thanks! And make their own choice to leave or whatever it may be. Just because you make a choice that you believe is best for you, doesn’t mean the other person has to agree with it.

I LOVE to talk about boundaries with my clients. Seriously, I WANT you to have boundaries. However, I also want you to understand what they actually are. The more time we can shift that focus back to you, the better off you’ll be! How frustrating is it when we think we are setting a boundary and it feels like other people aren’t respecting them? But now you can remember -” I always have choices.” If someone doesn’t respect a boundary you’ve set and it truly doesn’t feel like something you can look past, what’s the next step?

Now on the flip side, it can also be frustrating when someone uses ‘boundaries’ in manipulative ways. I’m not even just counting when they think boundaries control other people. This can also look like, in the example scenario above, someone refusing to EVER talk about the situation, or saying they will repeatedly but not making time when you’ve expressed it’s important to you. That’s not okay. However, since you can’t control them anymore than they can control you, now you have a decision to make as well. Do you accept this as a topic you can’t discuss, despite it feeling important? Sometimes we decide it’s not the hill we want to die on. But if it is? You have to be prepared to walk away or handle it in some other way that makes sense for you.

I’m using a more heavy example to drive the point home, but this information is applicable to so many different situations. Just keep reminding yourself….boundaries are for ME, not to control other people. Boundaries are like lines I’m drawing in the sand so I know when I need to make a decision for myself. If a boundary is crossed, I need to know what I want to do about it, keeping in mind that I cannot make the other person do, say, feel anything I want.

I hope this all made sense! Best of luck with your boundaries!