Distress Tolerance

Written By Audrey Gonzalez

If you aren’t familiar with the term distress tolerance, it is defined as follows - “The ability to perceive the environment as it is, without demanding that it be different.” Does this sound like something that comes easily to you or your loved one? I’m noticing more and more people, of all ages, are really struggling with distress tolerance these days.

Distress tolerance is SO important for a variety of reasons, but I think the most important is…who likes to feel bad? Obviously we are going to feel bad (whatever that means to you) sometimes, but because of that, we need to know how to deal! Being able to deal with or tolerate negative emotions in a variety of settings/situations is ideal. So let’s talk about what that looks like.

  • Being able to tolerate getting a lower grade than desired or expected - which means not spiraling, engaging in excessive negative self talk, throwing in the towel, or having even bigger emotions like suicidal ideation, self harming behaviors, or isolation

  • Not jumping to assumptions that everyone hates you and you must be a bad friend/partner/sibling/child/etc because you had a disagreement or argument or difficult interpersonal situation

  • Bouncing back after a challenging review at work or conversation with a boss or peer, without deciding you are terrible at your job or some other negative self talk

  • Tolerating and accepting that you cannot control every aspect of life - sometimes things happen that are outside of your control, and we cannot control or change other people

  • Instead of getting angry and having an outburst, accepting that traffic isn’t moving and you can’t do anything about it - even though you are late for work or to meet up with a friend.

There are many more examples, but these are some common ones. If you noticed yourself in any of those examples…some distress tolerance skills work could be for you! Let me be clear, I see these issues in all ages. I notice that young people are actually very open to learning about this topic and want to be better at these skills. So if you’re a parent reading this now, I encourage you to actively talk with and help support your kids in this process.

One important way to support your kids in this process is to let them experience natural consequences of their actions and being there to help them process their emotions associated as well as use critical thinking to come up with what they can do differently next time. We don’t want them to feel crushed by their emotions, and to avoid that, they need to have experienced them in a scaffolding type of setting. We mean well as parents when we try to shield our children from negative emotions or experiences, but they will experience something at some point, and you want them to be able to cope with it! Obviously I’m not suggesting leave them to their own devices on everything, just the developmentally appropriate situations.

Let’s do a thought exercise:

You’ve instilled the importance of education and learning to your child, but maybe you’ve noticed (or maybe you haven’t yet but will soon!) that it tends to come out as a focus on grades. Your child has a project due at school but forgets it at home. They can turn it in the next day, but will receive a late grade, meaning they will no longer be eligible for an A on the assignment. Ask yourself, at what age/stage would I push myself to allow them to face this natural consequence? Grade school, high school, college? Surely the time will come at some point in their life! It doesn’t just magically happen though, it’s something we have to work up to.

Many parents would internally cringe thinking about this scenario. And truly, every child and situation is different. What are you ultimately trying to help them with in the grand scheme of life? I’m not suggesting trying your best and getting ‘good’ grades aren’t great goals to have, but ten years down the line, which skill will matter more? This is just one example! It could be helpful to sit down and think about scenarios and your own window of tolerance for each of them to decide where you can push this a bit.

For adults, you’ll have to challenge yourself. I know - what a bummer! There are lots of strategies to help yourself learn better distress tolerance skills, and therapy can help! Below you’ll find a list of resources you could try out to help you outside of therapy, or if you’re not feeling ready or able to access therapy at this time.

Resources:

Audrey Gonzalez
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